Open letter

Dear Classical Sanskrit Poets of yore,

 Would you PLEASE lay off these INTENSELY IRRITATING fixations:

1. Lotuses. Oh GOD. Someone should cleave out a special 'Padmopama' and 'Padmarupaka' alankArAs. They should then be summarily banned, and treatises should be written on how many centuries one would spend in Raurava hell if one employs them.

2. Cows

3. Said cows' (and sundry other) udders

4. The unimaginable enormousness, pinkishness, and full-of-milk-ness of said udders. "भ्रुवं कोष्णेन कुण्डोध्नी मेध्येनावभृतादपि, प्रस्नवेनाभिवर्षन्ती वत्सालोकप्रवर्तिना" "Having a pitcher-sized udder, showering the entire earth with a flow of lukewarm milk streaming forth at the sight of her calf, and more sanctifying than even a sacrificial ablation" - I mean, this is ridiculous!

5. While we are at it, could we please also take it easy with the elephant-trunk-like thighs and vanishingly narrow waists? The rest of us would like our heroines' midriffs to be at least simply connected, thank you very much.

6. Ah yes, Elephants

7. Said elephants' secretion of temporin during musth

8. All manner of obscure floral anatomy. It is hard enough in these bachelorly times to have a firm grasp of human anatomy, let alone worry about the sodding pistils of the blighted Crateva Religiosa.

9. In general, ALL elaborate descriptions of flowers and plants

10. CHAPTER LONG encomia on deer, rabbits and other wholly harmless and BONE-CRUSHINGLY BORING hermitage-animals and their god damned fluttering eyelashes and brows.

11. Birds, almost always some obscure species that can only be referred to now with Latin names. "Like the song of a Sylvia atricapilla" FFFFFFUUUUUUUU!

12. What the hell is this fetish of 'strictly abiding by scriptures' that is spoken of every other verse? WE GET IT, now will you PLEASE STOP REPEATING THE SAME THING A ZILLION TIMES?!!
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